The First Third

One third of the regular season is over, so it is time for a quick review. Usually these things are longer, but I’ve been busy lately. Oh, but first, who has the scarier face in the picture? The alien looking Tila Tequila or Lights (and apparently, Game) Out Shawn Merriman? I think its Tequila. By the way, if you accuse someone of Merriman's size of choking you and throwing you to the ground, don't you think you'd at least have some bruises or something to show for it? Couldn't she at least have pulled a Jim Carrey in Liar Liar and beaten herself up so it would look more convincing? Anyways, on to my thoughts on the season:

Best Team

I’m All Out of Gum: Last year’s league champion is off to a hot start once again. After a season in which he only lost one game after taking over for an unowned 0-2 team, I’m All Out of Gum is tied for the best record in the league and has scored the third most points so far. MJD has been his usual self, Phillip Rivers has been throwing more than anyone thought, and DeSean Jackson has played like a number one WR despite being projected as a number three or fringe two at best. However, the thing that has really helped this team has been the play of the defense. In three wins, the defense started by I’m All Out of Gum has scored a total of 69 points. That kind of performance is generally unsustainable, so it will be interesting to see if this run of semi-luck continues for the rest of the season, and what the owner does to compensate if it does not.

Worst Team

Big Ass Tits: A 1-3 record and starting injured players and players who are on a bye week makes this team dreadful at the moment. In actuality, the team itself isn’t that bad, but an absentee owner is certainly not helping matters. If the owner of the team reappears, then this team could be headed for a rebound.

Most Surprising Team

Rickety Cricket: I mean no offense to the owner of this team, but he probably has the least football knowledge of anyone playing in this league. Yet, Rickety Cricket leads the league in scoring after the first trimester. The Frank Gore injury has been successfully navigated, but the team is still loaded with players with health concerns so the injury report will likely dictate the outcome of this team’s season. Clearly though, when everyone is healthy this team can be a force.

Most Disappointing Team

JCVD’s Superstars: A top 3 QB (the same one that I called the worst pick of my draft…brilliant!), two WR’s that are currently ranked 1 and 3 at their position, the second best RB, the second most points scored in the league and a 1-3 record (and the only team to lose to the above mentioned worst team). There is nothing like collecting a team full of talented big name players only to watch the team continue to underachieve. This must be what Jerry Jones feels like—you know if he could actually feel anything after all that plastic surgery.

Quick Notes on Each Team (In No Particular Order)

1. JCVD’s Superstars: Too much talent to continue their losing ways. Unless of course they lose to Pissing Excellence this week. Then it’s over.

2. Winning’s A Brees: There is no way Drew Brees gets shutout on TD passes for two consecutive weeks the rest of the season. Plus Steve Slaton and Knowshon Moreno look to be coming on strong.

3. Team Doe: Or Team “Dumb Name” as one owner put it. Will this team be able to collect all of the relevant Cowboys fantasy players? Will it be a stupid move if it happens? Either way, I’m rooting for it.

4. Rickety Cricket: Schaub, Jackson, Gore, Walter, Gates, Avery. Is there enough depth of both players and ownership knowledge to overcome the injuries these players are likely to sustain throughout the season?

5. Big Ass Tits: Will the owner reappear?

6. Pretty Pink Ponies: If Tom Brady can find some of his 2007 magic, or Larry Fitzgerald has a second half like he did last year, then look out.

7. Blackout The Jaguars: A roster overhaul and a Matt Forte sighting makes this team more balanced overall. But there remains concerns about Forte and the injury/performance of Darren McFadden is a blow.

8. Cleveland Steamers: The All Stars of yesteryear (Westbrook, LDT, Warner, Muhammad, Galloway, Freddy T, even Roy Williams) have certainly played about as well as their age indicated they would. However, if Arizona can somehow regain their 2008 offense, and LDT and Westbrook can get healthy the Cleveland Steamers will surprise some people. And the last part of that sentence made me feel dirty.

9. HELL ON EARTH MADDAWG: This is a really solid team now that they have a legitimate QB—at one point Jamarcus Russel started for this team. And yes, I know Matt Cassel is on the team, I just refuse to acknowledge him after hearing the story of how my friend bitch slapped him in high school.

10. I’m All Out of Gum: Last year’s champ is the favorite until proven otherwise.

11. PWN3N NOOB5: A surprising 2-2 despite drafting 30 kickers and having a whopping 401 points scored against them. Adrian Peterson can carry a team if necessary, but the pickup of Sims-Walker was nice. Now if only Tony Romo was a good QB…

12. Pissing Excellence: Will start two RB’s this week that combined for -1 point last week. That’s right, negative one point. All that means is Pissing Excellence will likely beat me this week. Peyton Manning to Dallas Clark has been a great combination so far, but Calvin Johnson has yet to transform into Megatron. Perhaps Daunte Culpepper will help out with that.