I Don't Like Mondays...

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna go to school today,
She's going to make them stay at home.
And daddy doesn't understand it,
He always said she was as good as gold.
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

The telex machine is kept so clean
As it types to a waiting world.
And mother feels so shocked,
Father's world is rocked,
And their thoughts turn to
Their own little girl.
Sweet 16 ain't so peachy keen,
No, it ain't so neat to admit defeat.
They can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

All the playing's stopped in the playground now
She wants to play with her toys a while.
And school's out early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to die.
And then the bullhorn crackles,
And the captain crackles,
With the problems and the how's and why's.
And he can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to die?

Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

--The Boomtown Rats

Not to make light of a song that's based on the events of a school shooting in Canada, but...

As the song (and the event its based on where, when the girl who shot the school said she did it because she doesn't like Monday) goes, you don’t need a reason to not like Mondays, but here are a few reasons for some players in the Mired in Mediocrity fantasy league to not like Mondays:

• We start with Redeam Team who has to somehow overcome a whopping 76 point deficit on Monday night in order to start the season 2-0. Bolstered by a team that featured no players in double digit scoring and two players who put up 0 points, Redeam Team needs a miracle. Considering this team only has a TE, K, and Def/ST left to go, it doesn’t look hopeful. Instead it seems as though Sonsofbitches will get to 1-1, after benching Tony Romo in favor of Aaron Rodgers, and should be enjoying Monday quite a bit.
• Either Evil Empire Champions or Vero Beach Dirty Diapers will really hate Monday. Dirty Diapers find themselves with what seemingly is a comfortable 17 point lead. However, Champions still has 1^st round pick Brian Westbrook left to play on Monday night. Westbrook is entirely capable of getting 17 points, so Champions will likely be disappointed if it doesn’t come out with at least a tie after Monday night’s game. By the same token, Dirty Diapers must be staring at that -4 points contributed by TE Greg Olsen and praying that it won’t be the difference between a win and loss. Indeed, one of thee two won’t be happy with their Monday by the end of the night.
• Despite a heroic performance by the Giants’ defense, Team Small will spend its Monday much like Redeam Team, down by a bunch with really no hope for a come back. Team Dundies was bolstered by an outstanding performance from unheralded J.T. O’Sullivan. The last 3 QB’s to play in a Mike Martz system were Kurt Warner, Marc Bulger, and Jon Kitna. All three are still starting fantasy QB’s today. Looks like the Martz system has produced another standout in O’Sullivan. It also gives Dundies some extra leverage in any future trade talks, as the desperate need for a QB is no longer present.
• Droppin Deuces and Team Timbs will not be pleased upon reading this Monday morning. Their combined score wouldn’t even beat the winner of any other match up. And its not as though they have a bunch of players going on Monday night, either. Only the Eagles’ defense remains in play, and against that Cowboys offense, it is doubtful that the defense will produce many fantasy points. Sunday may have been the bad day, but Monday is the day they have to face it.
• In a battle of two teams that seem to have inactive owners, the Streetwalkers look like they will come out ahead despite starting Tom Brady at QB.
• Genesis of Iceman comes back to earth after a stellar week 1 performance and will likely fall to Triple T’s PainTrain. But the owner of PainTrain is fairly distraught as well on Monday as the Jaguars have fallen to 0-2 and are riddled with injuries in a year in which they were one of the favorites in the AFC.

The Devil Collects

Dear Mr. Brady,

As per our agreement, I am collecting on my end of the contract we signed on September 23, 2001. You remember that day don’t you? It’s the day that I sent that crazy Jets’ linebacker crashing into Drew Bledsoe nearly killing him. You became the likeable everyman soon after that, and you thought everything was going well I’m sure. No one quite knew what to make of you as the Patriots headed to the playoffs and I could feel your dissatisfaction. And since I am semi-honorable, I gave you a chance to get out of the deal when I injured you in the divisional round of the playoffs and let Drew Bledsoe start in the AFC championship game. All you had to do was sit out of that Super Bowl and you could’ve gone back to your old life as a career backup. But you wanted to play so I made that happen. Your fate was sealed on that day, Mr. Brady.

Just like you wanted, I gave you five full seasons free from interference from that day forward. You managed to grab another couple of rings, a few MVP awards and a hot actress all on your own. But all good things must come to an end, especially when you make a deal with me. I told you when we made the deal that I would collect your soul in my own special way. I’m sure you thought I exacted my price when Bridget Moynahan ended up knocked up while you were not so secretly sleeping with “butter face” Giselle (seriously Tom, you can do better than that, especially when you are on borrowed time). But no, that was just more of a fun little joke on my part. Despite reports to the contrary, I do have a pretty wicked sense of humor.

Perhaps when that whole Spygate thing started and I tarnished your team’s legacy you thought that your end of the bargain had finally been fulfilled. Sadly for you though, Spygate actually had almost nothing to do with you. That was my collection from your coach. What? How else do you think a guy who got run out of Cleveland after two miserable seasons got to be known as a genius?

Maybe you thought David Tyree’s helmet catch was my doing, but that was the work of my good friend Karma. See, when you throw for 50 touchdowns in one year by passing on 4th down while you are up by 30 against a two win team, it’s not good for karma. And if you do it enough, Karma eventually becomes very angry and is fortunately very creative in exacting its revenge. I mean, could there be any other possible explanation for a 4th string wide receiver catching a ball against his helmet on 4th down all while being pummeled by the most violent safety of this generation? Karma really can be a bitch.

But I had my own fun with you that game. I made sure your foot was hurt so you lost just enough mobility to prevent you from being able to get away from those crazy Giant pass-rushers. I also made sure your linemen forgot how to block at some key moments. I know you aren’t stupid Mr. Brady, so maybe you knew that I had a hand in that. Maybe that’s why you sat out the entire pre-season this year, fearful of what I might do to you. But you had to know that as soon as the season started you’d be on that field, and so would I. I was going to wait another game just to give you some false hope. But when I saw that you weren’t listed on the injury report for the first time in your entire CAREER, I couldn’t pass up this wonderful chance at irony.

The hit by Bernard Pollard wasn’t a cheap shot, but then you know that already. Pollard thinks that you were screaming in pain because he hit you too hard, but we both know better. You would’ve shaken that hit off it wasn’t for me, and I’m sure you knew that. All it takes a little mental snipping of some scissors, and pop goes your Achilles tendon. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to mess with your season (after all, I have your soul for all of eternity) so that is why there was some doubt as to the seriousness of the injury on Monday morning, and some hope that you would be back before the end of the season. Thousands of Patriot fans, millions of frontrunners, CBS, and ESPN were praying that would be the case, but amidst those prayers I heard two voices that sealed your fate. One was from Bridget Moynahan who was hoping you would die, but even I thought that was a little extreme, especially since knocking her up was partly my doing.

The other one was from Matt Cassel, you know your backup QB? He just wanted a chance. What you thought you and Coach Belicheat were the only ones that had me on speed dial? Mr. Cassel kind of reminds me of you from a few years ago, so we’ll see what kind of deal he wants to cut with me. Who knows, you may be back sooner than expected. But if Mr. Cassel offers me a sweet enough deal, well, we all know what happened to Drew Bledsoe don’t we?

Your friend and partner in eternity,

The Devil


P.S. I hope you don’t mind, but I used you as a reference when Aaron Rodgers, Sarah Palin, and Michael Phelps came to me earlier this summer. My credibility took a little hit when I failed with Rex Grossman. Even my skills couldn’t help that guy.

Draft Recap

Last year I provided a draft recap analyzing what I thought were the best and worst picks of each round. With 12 teams this year, there is more for me to get through, but I’ll try to be as thorough as possible. As always, if you disagree with me, let me know….and I’ll tell you that you are an idiot.

Round 1

Best Pick: It would be easy to give best pick to Team Small who drafted LaDanian Tomlinson with the first pick. After all, he is clearly the best player in fantasy. And most of the other picks in the round went right around where they were supposed to go. However, one pick that stands out to me is Tony Romo taken with the 12^th overall selection by Dirty SonsofBitches. With the offense Romo plays in, he could have a Bradyesque year. I know people say it’s a waste to draft QB’s early in the draft, considering the value that can be found in later rounds. However, the game is changing and the top QB’s are increasingly putting up numbers that rival the best RB’s. When you consider the fact that a first round pick should be risk free. The available RB’s were questionable at this point and that Romo is the clear number 2 QB this year, it all adds up to the best pick of Round 1.

Worst Pick: I am really down on Frank Gore (drafted by The Dundies) this year. He struggled last year and has a horrible team around him this year, with the immortal J.T. O’Sullivan as the 49ers QB. Some may point out that Mike Martz is the new offensive coordinator for SF which should lead to better stats for Gore this year. After all this is the same coordinator who took Marshall Faulk from very good to superstar. I’m not buying it though. When Martz was the coordinator for the pass happy lions the last two years, Detroit RB’s Kevin Jones and Tatum Bell didn’t exactly set the world on fire. And let’s not forget, Steven Jackson had his big year in St. Louis after Martz left. Throw in the fact that Gore has never been a huge TD maker, and you have a player that I would have avoided like the plague. On the plus side, at least Eric can root for a player from his favorite team.

Round 2

Best Pick: Marion Barber going to The Genesis of Iceman with the 14^th overall pick in the draft was a stroke of luck for the team. Barber has been going higher than that in many mock drafts. He is a beast and the featured goal line back, so he won’t have to worry about losing cheap touchdowns to his backup. There are a few concerns however, as it is tough to imagine his body holding up for a full 16 game schedule due to his punishing running style. Also, his backup is Felix Jones from Arkansas, the same school that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones went to. So it’s a safe bet that Jones will see plenty of time on the field one way or another. Yet even with these worries, Barber, in that offense, just may end up being a top 5 back by the end of the year.

Worst Pick: Larry Johnson, picked by Dirty Sonsofbitches. Read what I wrote above. All of that could have applied to this team, except they bypassed Barber for Larry Johnson. It’s hard to imagine that the man who spent most of last year injured and plays for a team that has no QB, and no offensive line, making a huge resurgence this year. Johnson is really no better or worse than Lewis, McGahee, or most of the other picks that followed him. So, tt wouldn’t be an awful pick except for the fact that Barber was still on the board.

Round 3

Best Pick: Drew Brees to the Redeam Team. Getting the 3^rd or 4^th Best QB in a league where there are clearly 5 top QBs is a big deal. Getting him after the other 4 are gone is even better. Brees has put up monster numbers each of the last two seasons, though his efforts were slightly diminished last year due to his team’s losing ways. All in all though, the pick represents excellent value in Round 3.

Worst Pick: Darren McFadden to Triple T’s PainTrain. McFadden plays for the passing game challenged Oakland Raiders. He is now PainTrain’s number 1 running back. McFadden is an upright runner who has had problems hanging on to the football. This can’t be good. This is the problem of eschewing the RB position in the first two rounds of the draft. Despite getting the top two WR’s in the league, PainTrain was forced to reach for a back in round 3, thereby passing up Marques Colston who would is a stellar pick in round 3. This award almost went to Droppin Deuces for taking Chad Johnson and his torn labrum over Colston.

Round 4

Best Pick: Steve Smith by Dirty SonsofBitches. Yes, I know that he’ll be out the first two games of the season for punching his teammate, yes his teammate, in the face. However, this was the first WR taken last year in most drafts. He had a down year last year because of injuries and the fact that Carolina started 4 QB’s. But he is money when paired with Jake Delhomme, and Delhomme looks to be back at full strength this year.

Worst Pick: Fred Taylor to Dirty Diapers. Everyone knows I am a huge Jacksonville fan, but I really don’t like this pick. Fred Taylor is an amazing player, the best in the Jaguars short history. However, he just doesn’t find the endzone that often. He’ll rack up a decent number of 100 yard games, especially as the weather cools down, but with MJD and Greg Jones around, he’ll lose out on a lot of goal line carries. Taylor can be a valuable fantasy player, but this is a few rounds too early for him to be selected.

Round 5

Best Pick: Matt Hasselback to Evil Empire Champions. After solidifying the team for the first four rounds, Champions drafted the last QB without any serious question marks. Despite the fact that QB’s flew off the board in the first four rounds, Champions’ patience truly paid off. An argument could even be made that Hasselback as a better QB than the three (Palmer, Anderson, and McNabb) taken before him.

Worst Pick: Lendale White by Genesis of Iceman. Lendale White will waddle his way to a decent number of scores this year, and the Titans usually have a good rushing team. But White will also be splitting carries with lightning quick rookie Chris Johnson. Additionally, you never want your 5^th round pick to be 35 pounds over his listed weight, especially when that player is a running back listed at 235 lbs.

Round 6

Best Pick: Marvin Harrison by Evil Empire Champions. In truth, no one really knows if Harrison is healthy or how his legal troubles might affect him this season. However, Harrison was a potential first round pick last season and has fallen all the way down to the 6^th round. If he can recapture some of the Manning to Harrison chemistry that existed before last season, this pick will have been a steal.

Worst Pick: Julius Jones by Team Timbs. Despite the fact that Jones started all 16 games last season for the Cowboys, he was merely a serviceable handcuff to Marion Barber. Now that he is running behind a Seattle line that is a but a shell of its former self, and in a 4 way competition for carries, I just can’t imagine that Jones will put up better numbers this year. Unless of course he is actually really good, its just that Barber was that much better. Somehow, I don’t buy that argument.

Round 7

Best Pick: Jerricho Cotchery by Triple T’s PainTrain. First it was Antonio Freeman. Then it was Donald Driver. Last season it was Greg Jennings. Every few years Brett Favre picks out a favorite receiver and any time he gets in trouble will look for that guy. The stats for these players are usually ridiculously high relative to their “name” value, and this year everyone expects that it will be Cocthery. Of course, it could be Laverneus Coles and then I’d be screwed. By with a 7^th round pick, that’s an acceptable risk. Especially considering Coles is in love with Chad Pennington, the new QB of the Miami Dolphins.

Worst Pick: Rudi Johnson by Redeam Team. While its true that Johnson has since been cut by the Bengals and landed in a backup role with the Detroit Lions, at the time this pick was made Johnson couldn’t even get on the field in the 4^th quarter of a preseason game. The writing was on the wall that he was going to get cut, yet Redeam Team drafted him anyways. Even if he winds up with the starting job with the Lions, Johnson is far from the back that used to reward his owners with 12 TD’s and 1100 yards every season. He’s no longer very good, and neither was this pick.

Round 8

Best Pick: Chester Taylor to The Dundies. Adrian Peterson will get hurt this year. It’s a fact. He has gotten injured every year since his sophomore year in college. Taylor will already receive most of the 3^rd down looks (as he is a much better receiver than Peterson) while Peterson is healthy, and when Peterson goes down Taylor’s production will increase that much more. The Vikings have a very good offensive line and Taylor is a solid back. If AP is out for any length of time, Taylor could eventually become a top 10 RB.

Worst Pick: Chargers D/ST to Droppin’ Dueces. The old fantasy adage is that you never pick a defense or kicker until the last two rounds of any fantasy draft. And even though that doesn’t necessarily hold true for defenses, the 8^th round is too early for one, especially considering this one’s star linebacker will attempt to play the season with two torn knee tendons. Additionally, for all the press the Chargers’ D gets, they had the lowest number of QB pressures last year.

Round 9

Best Pick: Nate Burelson by Redeam Team. The Seattle WR corps has been decimated by injury leaving Burleson as the clear number 1 option. And though I like the picks of Gonzalez by Champions and Rodgers by SonsofBitches, the fact of the matter is, a number one WR in the pass happy Seattle offense should put up pretty good numbers. Now consider the fact that this is the 9^th round, and that equals great value.

Worst Pick: Ahmad Bradshaw by Palm Bay Street Walkers. It would be easy here to again go with defense, or even Kurt Warner (seriously, what moron picks QB’s in back to back rounds? Oh, that would be me. Brilliant!), I’m going to go with Bradshaw for this one. Though he had a great playoffs, Bradshaw is not a lock to be the backup to Brandon Jacobs (he is competing with Derrick Ward who was drafted one round later). We’ll have to wait and see how the first part of the season plays out to determine if he has potential as a 3^rd down running back or not. Don’t get me wrong, I think he has some fantasy value, but if he didn’t win the backup role, I just don’t know if it will be that much.

Round 10

Best Pick: Chris Johnson to Triple T’s PainTrain. The Titans had the 5^th best rushing offense in the league last year, despite the fact that fat Lendale White was their featured back. This year, with carries being split about 50-50 between White and Johnson, and Johnson the much more explosive back, I’d expect Johnson to put up pretty good numbers. He is being hailed as a sleeper by many the expert, and I think after the first few games, many will see why.

Worst Pick: Robbie Gould to Dirty SonsofBitches. Never take a kicker before the last round of the draft. The difference between the top kicker and the 12^th best kicker last year was something like 2.8 points per game. Nick Folk and Mason Crosby, two of last year’s top kickers weren’t even drafted last season. Those kickers benefited from explosive offensive teams. Gould certainly will not.

Round 11

Best Pick: Vincent Jackson to Droppin Deuces. Jackson plays in the high powered Chargers offense and often gets overshadowed in terms of fantasy. However is a 6’6 receiver and excellent target for Phillip Rivers to throw to in the redzone. With teams doubling Antonio Gates, wary of LT coming out of the backfield and Chris Chambers going over the middle, Jackson will almost always see one on one coverage. And at that height, what CB will be able to stop a lob to the back corner of the endzone? Though there are concerns about his continued development, he presents excellent value in the 11^th round.

Worst Pick: Vince Young by Redeam Team. Last Year Young threw for 9 TD’s. Nine! But that’s okay because he also threw 17 picks. In our format with touchdowns worth 4 points and interceptions worth minus 2, Young’s TD’s would yield 36 points and his interceptions would subtract 34 from that. So basically Young netted a whopping two fantasy points between his TD’s and INT’s. But wait, you say that Young is more than just passing. That he makes plays on the ground too. Maybe two seasons ago when he rushed for 550 yards and 7 TD’s in only 13 games. But last season he rushed for only 395 yards and 3 TD’s in 15 games. Oh and he fumbled 10 times as well. Vince Young is O-VER-RAT-ED.

Round 12

Best Pick: Chris Perry to Team Small. Its not often that you can find a starting RB in the 12^th round of a fantasy draft, yet Team Small managed to pull it off. Perry is a talented back who will finally get his chance to prove he is a true number 1 now that Rudi Johnson has been cut. It will be interesting to see if he can hold off Kenny Watson, but even if this becomes a split backfield, Perry in the 12^th round is a great value.

Worst Pick: Javon Walker by Genesis of Iceman. Walker used to be a third round pick in fantasy every year, but he is no longer the same receiver he once was. He’s coming off a lost season due to knee surgery (never a good sign for a speed WR) and a summer in which he was found unconscious on the sidewalk of The Strip in Las Vegas. After signing a $50 million deal he then contemplated retirement. But those problems all pale compared to the fact that he is a receiver for the Raiders, meaning he has offensive tackle sized Jamarcus Russel throwing him the ball. Russel has the biggest arm in the game, but isn’t accurate and will be wheezing and waddling for his life behind that porous Raiders line.

Round 13

Best Pick: Amani Toomer by Vero Beach Dirty Diapers. Toomer has something like the 5^th most redzone targets in the past two seasons amongst all WR’s. Meaning he has developed into quite the security blanket for Eli Manning in the redzone. If Dirty Diapers experiences any injury to his starting WR’s, Toomer should be a capable fill in.

Worst Pick: Alex Smith by Genesis of Iceman. In any other situation, I would’ve given this honor to my pick as I selected a defense before the second to last round of the draft. However, even though I know Genesis of Iceman was on autodraft, it sucks to have a backup QB who is actually a real life backup on his own team. Backup QB’s in the NFL have no fantasy value because unlike backup RB’s, they will never even see the field unless the starter goes down. And while it is quite conceivable that the venerable JT O’Sullivan could suck or get injured, nobody should want a 49ers QB, even with Mad Mike Martz as the offensive coordinator.

Round 14

Best Pick: Sammy Morris by The Dundies. Morris was a solid fantasy starter last season when Maroney went down. Everyone knows the Pats will be blowing a lot of teams out this season again, and Morris will be there to pick up those garbage yardage and TD’s that will be the result of the Patriots trying to run out the clock.

Worst Pick: Ahman Green by Dummy Team. I know everything is a crapshoot at this time of the draft, and that Green could very well turn out to be the starter in Houston. However, he hasn’t been healthy since his first few seasons in Green Bay and has virtually no upside. Its not like he’ll explode for a 1,000 yard season all of a sudden.

Round 15

Best Pick: Eagles D/St by Team Timbs. This is when you are supposed to take a defense, and its proof positive that even if you wait until the penultimate round, you can still snag a great one. The Eagles unit is not quite what they used to be, but by waiting until now to select them, Team Timbs was able to get depth at other positions.

Worst Pick: Tatum Bell by Palm Bay Street Walkers. There was no atrociously bad pick in this round, but by choosing Tatum Bell I can now tell this story and reward any readers who for some odd reason have stuck with me this long. After Rudi Johnson was cut by the Bengals a couple of days ago, he was signed by the Lions to backup Kevin Smith and maybe eventually compete for the starting job. As Johnson was in the Lions’ press room talking to the media, he left his bags outside the door. Well, it seems that someone walked by and stole the bags while Johnson was in the press room. The bags were Gucci and contained Johnson’s underwear and credit cards. Eventually Johnson got the bags back but they were empty. The person who took the bags was caught on tape. It was none other than Tatum Bell, the running back who was cut to create room for Johnson. Now Bell has Johnson’s underwear and cancelled credit cards (though he denies he has them), and Johnson has Bell’s old job. Good Times!

Round 16

Best Pick: Rob Bironas by Triple T’s PainTrain. Bironas was a top 3 kicker last year and I took him in the last round. Wait on kickers people! You can always pull one out of free agency if yours doesn’t work out.

Worst Pick: Anyone who is not a kicker because that means you wasted an earlier pick on a kicker.

Alright, who made it to the end? If you did, thanks for reading!