Front-running is the only way to run

I went to a SB party. I rooted for the Patriots. No one else did. This is about why they were wrong not to front-run like me.

I submit, as a rule-of-thumb, that Americans are closet front-runners. You can see it everywhere. We hate homeless beggars for losing the Vietnam War. Nobody looks at a welfare-mom and says, "There's a factory in those pants making underdogs I can root for." Instead we secretly judge her for dragging down our collective winner quotient (wq). I would think that a people that values the underdog would feel sorry for the famous that ran into bad times. Instead we kick them while they're down with our gossip shows and stand-up jokes. Sounds like something a bunch of front-running bastards would do, doesn't it?

You're probably looking in the mirror right now, shocked at the realization of what you've become and vowing to change your ways. Stop right there. Embrace it, make it your friend. Don't feel bad. This isn't about rooting for real-life underdogs, or worse, helping them. I was only a making a point that you can do this. You can be like me. This is about rooting for favorites in sports.

I'm going to state something that will blow up all your notions of being a front-runner. Rooting for the underdog is more like front-running than front-running is. In order to explain that last sentence, I'll have to go over the details of why underdoggers hate front-runners.

Front-running is merely picking the favorite. One reason why the practice is hated, is because it's supposedly the "easy" pick. Outside of gambling, I believe it is actually easier to pick the underdog for two reasons. One, picking the underdog is often trendy. I would say it's sort of anti-trendy in that the reason people pick the underdog is to go against that which is fashionable and yet it ironically becomes the fashionable thing to do. The second reason is that the underdogger has the security blanket of knowing that it's ok if his team loses because they weren't expected to win anyway. A front-runner, however, is a manly man in a world of pansies ready to take responsibility for his pick.

The other reason I can think of for the anti-front-runner mentality is about fairness. Normally, the favorite has had an unusual amount of good fortune. Getting quality players at firesale prices, for instance. Maybe they have a lot money to work with like the New York Yankees. Perhaps it's about the amount of love the team gets from the media. Cheating. In most peoples' minds these advantages are unfair. I counter that these people are stupid, literally. Studies done by monkey-studying people have shown that both monkeys and humans make equally irrational decisions because of our obsession with fairness. Decisions like rooting for losers. You know what that tells me? That tells me that you underdoggers could have your shit bamboozled by a monkey if it made you think it was fair. Besides, complaining about fairness is a whiny-bitch thing to do. Kind of like what people might accuse a front-runner of being.

Finally, underdoggers don't like arrogance as if knowing that you're the best is wrong. I say it's arrogance for the underdog to think they can beat the favorite. Besides, front-runners know there is a structure and heirarchy to the game, and everyone has their place. In their world this is the order of NFL teams:

1. Giants - Go Giants!

2. Patriots - I'm glad I'm not a fan.

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31. Dolphins

32. Bears - For people who like cuddly-wuddly things?

In the underdog world everything is chaotic:
1. Giants - Go Giants, but not if you are now the favorite.

1. Patriots - I root for you now?

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1. Dolphins - It's like rooting for the underdog of underdogs.

32. Bears - No.

I shudder at the thought of a world where people would root for Dolphins.

So I have established that picking underdogs is a front-running thing to do, and therefore you might as well be a front-runner. Here's a list some of things to do with your new-found enlightenment:

• Remember, you are the Buddha of loyalty. Attachment is pain. Expand this philosophy to other realms of life. Your dog? You don't love it. Unless it's #1, then it makes sense to.

• Evil villains are a natural pick for front-runners. For the plot to go anywhere, they have to be pretty powerful and the odds need to be in their favor. Watch some movies and empathize with the antagonist. I almost cried for Cloverfield until I thought about how happy it was eating all those people.