LVL INFINTIY + 1 TEAM is Remember the Titans
Tag Line: They came together when their classmates would not
A solid all around Disney movie that everyone can love. It had its shares of ups and downs, but featured a charismatic star (Denzel Washington) and some up and coming performers. Of all the teams at the top of the leader board, +1 Team is surely the most unexpected, yet is one people can root for because of that. Disregarding positions for the moment, Tom Brady is the charismatic star on the team, with Marvin Harrison playing the Will Patton role. Much like Harrison, everyone always forgets how steady Patton is in movies and on TV. He just solidly turns in quiet performances and always brings something to the table. Brandon Marshall plays the role of Donald Faison (of Scrubs fame, and Petey in this movie) and Dallas Clark can be Kip Pardue (Sunshine). Too bad there is no Hayden Panettiere (the grown up version of course) or Kate Bosworth on this team. “You make them remember forever, the night they played the titans!”
PINK PONIES is Jerry Maguire
Tag Line: Show Me the Money!
Good sports movie, or the best chick flick of all time? The debate rages on (I need a ruling from a movie judge, I don’t even think Simmons (maybe the greatest sports/pop culture writer ever) has been able to figure this out). Much the same way, it is still unclear whether PINK PONIES is a solid contending team, or just a very good mediocre one. Between TO and Randy Moss, there is more than just a little bit of Rod Tidwell on this team. “I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!” Sorry, I couldn’t resist throwing in that line.
RILEY’S RAIDERS is Rudy
Tagline: Sometimes a winner is just a dreamer who won’t quit.
The hard luck team of this league. It came oh so close to pulling out a victory two weeks ago against TRIPLE T’s PAINTRAIN yet could only manage a tie. Still, just like Rudy, the team hasn’t given up and has continued to make roster moves in an attempt to better the team. Rudy (Samwise Gamgee) fulfilled his dream by the end of the season, will RILEY’S RAIDERS get their win before the season is over? Stay Tuned to find out. Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
VOLDEMORT is Friday Night Lights
Tagline: One Town. One Team. One Dream
One of the greatest movies sports or otherwise, ever made. The football scenes were extremely well done; there was a touching father-son story arc, plenty of goose-bump inducing moments, a guy named Boobie, a brilliant ending, and an absolutely perfect soundtrack featuring the band Explosions in the Sky. This is the definitive football movie in my opinion. VOLDEMORT might not quite live up to that, but the team is smoking hot right now having won three in a row and giving COWBOYS their only loss. But think about it, the Permian Panthers looked good going into the season but then lost Boobie Miles, the same way that VOLDEMORT lost the Deuce. Peyton Manning does a perfect Mike Winchell imitation (or is it the other way around?) and even the owner of VOLDEMORT could likely pull off a Billy Bob Thorton southern accent. Fat LenDale White would make a perfect drunk Billingsley, and Fast Willie Parker would make a good Chris Comer. Too bad there is no place for Ivory Christian or Chavez on this team. As much as I liked this move, I might like the first season of the show even more. Same great story, shot in present day, better looking girls, better tagline (clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose) and possibly even a better coach. You can’t go wrong, but “Can you be perfect?”
COWBOYS is The Program
Tagline: Pressure surrounds them. Competition divides them. Talent unites them.
The program might’ve been the best football movie I saw until I watched Friday Night Lights, just like the COWBOYS were the best team until they got knocked off by VOLDEMORT. McNabb enters the year with a bunch of hype, just like Joe Kane only both have failed to deliver on that promise. Kane disappeared into rehab and McNabb just disappeared. Westbrook makes a good Omar Epps/Darnell Jefferson with his return ability, and skills to catch the ball coming out of the backfield. There was also some controversy about the movie and laying down on a busy street, just like there is some controversy about the trade that this team just pulled off with PINK PONIES. On a related note, how devastating of an injury was that to Alvin Mack? How good would he have been in the pros? First round pick? I’d say definitely. Top 10? Maybe. See, that’s the danger of staying in school when you play football. You might as well come out early. There are very valuable lessons to be learned from this movie. Well that, and don’t lie down in a busy road and expect good things to happen. “Let’s open up a can of kick ass on ‘em and let the paramedics sort ‘em out”….Bonus quote: “Let’s put the women and children to bed and go looking for dinner.”
BIG TUNA is The Replacements
Everything about this team screams Replacements. The title alone makes sense. BIG TUNA did not draft its own team, and only makes roster moves on a custodial level. I also like the idea of Tony Romo, being compared to Shane “Footsteps” Falco. We’ve got Todd Heap as the deaf tight end with great hands. Joseph Addai and Travis Henry can team up and be equivalent to the religious running back who gets hurt scoring a TD (Addai) and the convict who takes his place (Henry). Jeff Wilkins is the Irish Kicker, and WR Colsten is definitely the Orlando Jones character with speed but a case of the drops. I also could imagine Lights Out Merriman (of San Diego’s defense) playing the role of the crazy linebacker. By the way, I loved John Madden’s cameo appearance here where he was pseudo analyzing Falco’s attempt to hook-up with the cheerleader. Every time I hear “Falco scores!” coming out of Madden’s mouth, I can’t help but laugh. There are a host of funny quotes from this movie, including “Nan desu ka!”; “I’ve seen monkey shit fights at the zoo that are better organized than this”; “That’ll do pig, that’ll do.”
But I’ll leave you with this: "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory….lasts forever”
STEELERS OWN COWBOYS is Little Giants
Tagline: Just Remember that football is 80% physical and 40% mental.
Just looking at the team STEELERS OWN COWBOYS has constructed it is easy to see why….okay, what the hell, I clearly have no analysis for this. I just couldn’t help myself.
TRIPLE T’S PAINTRAIN is Any Given Sunday.
Tagline: Life is a contact sport
Potential. This movie oozed with potential. Al Pacino. Cameron Diaz. Jamie Foxx. Dennis Quaid. James Woods. LL Cool J. Aaron Eckhart. Jim Brown. The venerable Lawrence Taylor. Bill Belamy….okay, nevermind that one. Still though, all of that acting talent and Oliver Stone directing as well, yet this movie turned out to be pretty disappointing except for a few scenes. You have to wonder if that is how the season will play out for TRIPLE T’S PAINTRAIN. This team was loaded with talent coming into the season (Bulger, SJAX, MJD, Ocho Cinco) but injuries took a major toll. I don’t know what was more jarring, losing Steven Jackson to injury (my whole team was built around him) or seeing the guy losing an eyeball during a game in the movie. I just hope I have more good games that equate to scenes like the final game or the LT sawing LL Cool J’s SUV in half, and less bad ones like that horrible locker room scene (and I’ll just leave it at that). Despite the overall lethargic feel to the movie for the first 2 hours or so, the last game really redeems much of the movie, including the final speech. Will I have a redeeming moment like that before the season is over? I can only hope. So I leave you with this (in my mind this is the best movie speech before the big game of the season, ever):
(remember, you have to read this in Al Pacino’s voice):
I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished. We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for ya, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I, uh, I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football. Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And I know, if I'm gonna have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think ya going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. Your gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?
If you liked the speech, you can watch it here: Best Speech Ever
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